She's Going to Hurt Me For This

Lauren is my best friend from high school. She's crazy fun (emphasis on the crazy), fashionable, loud and likes to hit people. She sent me a message asking me specifically to not speak ill of her on this blog. Obviously she still doesn't know me after our 10+ years of friendship, because if you give me an order like that, the first thing I'm going to do is look for a way to start trouble. However, because I love her, and because as an almost-lawyer I'm trained to look for the loopholes, I will not speak ill of her. No, not at all. Because everything that follows it TRUE:
1. Held me down and sat on my chest on the auditorium freshman year in high school while exclaiming;" If you die I get your part as a dancer, DIE, DIE!" (I was a dancing nurse in South Pacific. She got to waive a flower around as a glorified prop)
2. Chased me around her bedroom in an attempt to cut off a lock of my hair so that she could tape it into a notebook (what can I say, it was when that movie The Craft was huge). Succeeded in attempt by throwing me facedown on hardwood floor with my head dangling over the top of the stairs. My hair took 2 years to heal.
3. At 2:30 a.m. during a sleepover in my basement decided that I needed to "learn how to fight", put on Rough Riders, and attacked me. The music and my girly squeals awoke my stepdad. The look on his face when he found us at 3 a.m. with me pinned to the floor and her yelling,” Protect your nose!" was priceless.
Her enthusiasm (i.e. violent tendencies) hasn't always been directed towards me. She has also:
1. Smashed hole in the hallway wall by shoving little brother backwards.
2. While at a party at her mother's coworker's house, tackled her mom to the ground when she though her mom was going to tell her crush she liked him. Thankfully Shirley was a little tipsy and laughed off the fact that she had grass stains and leaves in her hair in front of her boss.
3. Unhinged her jaw and attempted to eat her little brother's head while screaming in his face that "Oo, she would NOT get him juice! He was 4 at the time. He's in his teens now and still whimpers a bit when you say the words, "fruit punch".
Sometimes her violence is self-directed. I have seen her:
1. Break 2 bed frames by dancing on them.
2. Twist herself into a strand of Christmas tree lights.
3. Fall over a speed bump while running.
4. Punch a door open with her fist while simultaneously falling up a flight of stairs.
5. Fall out of a booth at Friendly's and onto the floor (yes, she was sober).
6. Climb onto the curb and declare "I'm going to jump!" and then hobble around in a circle as though one leg was shorter than the other (yes, she was drunk).

I could go on for hours. I could talk about our boy debacles, walking adventures, and the thing that used to make her a lil' bit country, but frankly I fear her retribution at this point so I'll stop. I'm banking on the fact that I won't see her for a few months so hopefully her anger will fade. And if not, well, I've been taking Kickboxing....